when is enough enough

Last night he was over and we did our normal ritual of having an end of day conversation. He tells me he loves me and can't imagine his life without me. He tells me I'm amazing, wonderful and that he needs me. He says all the things I long to hear but in my heart I feel like saying, I know you say these things but if you truly meant them then you wouldn't need to find love elsewhere. I'm not sure what he's finding elsewhere I just know that he is continuing his search while trying to convince me I'm the only one.

The thing that disturbs me is that we aren't married, there is nothing holding him to staying in our relationship. He can get up and leave anytime he wants. If he is interested in pursuing other interests why not just go. Why not free himself up so that he can fully invest in this other person. Since we met he has always spent the majority of his free time with me. The only time that he is truly able to date is a couple of hours on Sunday when he lies and tells me he is going to see his dad and during the week between school and work. Honestly he has less free time than I do and yet he has somehow managed to figure out how to date me and try to spend time with other women.

I keep asking myself as he is talking why I don't just say, it's enough just go. What your looking for I cannot provide, I'm not interested in being second or even first but with a second or even third in the running. I can't completely let go because there is all this fear. I am afraid of going back to my lonely nights and to having no one call me. But then I think really what does it matter because everything he says and does appears to be a lie. I can't trust what he says or does. I can't be sure that when he talks to me that he doesn't say the same thing to her.

So the question remains when is enough enough? When do I get to a point of saying..I really can't stand this and all of your lies so I choose to walk away.

liar liar pants on fire

How do you cope when your heart is crushed. I want to punch my boyfriend in the face and at the same time kiss him. I want to squeeze him and hold him. I am so confused by all my feelings. I read the cheaters paradox and the truth is no matter what I tell him I've seen, read or observed he will come back with a reason why it is not what I think it is.

So here's the back story, my boyfriend and I met through a dating website, we seemed to connect on our first date. We just connected in every emotional way, however we moved WAY WAY WAY too fast. By the end of two weeks we were already talking about moving in together. I am a believer and I negotiated my beliefs with I really love him and we are going to get married so why not live with him first. Well I have HUGE trust issues and I started not trusting him and I began looking through his phone. BIG, BIG mistake...It just wasn't fair nor was it a good thing for me. I read things I didn't understand and because I wasn't supposed to be in his phone I couldn't really just say "hey what's this in your phone"? So I just kept reading, and kept allowing it to fester in my stomach. Eventually when it was time for me to tell my landlord that I was moving, he changed the story and I wasn't moving in with him. Well I was so angry and I was so sure it was because he was cheating on me that I ended up breaking up with him the very next day. Well long story short we went without communication for 2 and a half months, (almost the length of our dating days), I saw his car one day and chose to go by and just say hi.  Well lo and behold we ended up back together.

We have now been back together 2.5 months, I have made a promise to him to stay out of his phone, and I kept that commitment up til about a week ago, when something wasn't feeling right. I checked to find out if he was dating again. I located some information that confirmed my suspicion, well this time I didn't act so quickly I waited, but I kept checking his phone. What an idiot I was, I should have just left him and said this is our second chance and if you screwed it up again then you truly aren't interested in being with me. However what did happen was I confronted him when I read something that confirmed a lie he told me, I told him to get his things and go. Well he pulled the ultimate cheaters paradox..
Can't you see I never text her she just texts me, she likes me and I don't want anything to do with her. I knew I caught him in lies but realized that I had shown all my cards and now it was a matter of put up or shut up, well I just shut up. He wasn't going to acknowledge his deceit and I wasn't truly ready to let him go. So dummy me chose to stay well here I am 3 days later and honestly am recognizing that I don't need to snoop anymore. I need to just decide what I want. Do I want to continue to wonder if every time he's not with me he's with her. Do I want to spend all my energy thinking of whatever could possibly be happening or do I just take the pain from the break up and move on. Well honestly that is what this blog is for. Hopefully, I can find some peace in this and get through it without losing myself.

Cheating

We teach our children not to cheat on tests, in games or at life and yet as a woman I am forlorn in saying that I have more than once allowed myself to stay in a relationship with a cheater. They never confess to the cheating I just know what they are doing and even with evidence they deny it to my face. This time I am only in the relationship (by the way a second go round same man) for 2.5 months and I discovered not only is he dating through a website he actually has started talking to a girl at his work. When confronted by evidence of his cheating he points that she only talks he never does. I have proof that he has called her but the calls never last very long. She honestly only gets about 1 to 2 hours of his time at most a couple times a week. And for the most part it's never during the times I should be with him. I debated over and over again to just stick it out and to make the most of what I have. In order to do that though I have to look honestly at what I have with him and who I am with him. So this blog is set up for those discoveries with an update on whether I stay or if I go.

Thanks for Reading
SS cheated on