So the goal had been to leave by now, the goal had been to shove it all in his face and walk away. Each time I try I think about the next guy, what will his issue be, what strife and struggle will he bring me. I don't trust my boyfriend, I believe everytime he is away from me he is with another woman I don't think that's an accurate picture only because I know my boyfriends OCD side which doesn't allow him to spend that much time just with someone else while not getting important things accomplished.
I was supposed to catch him on a date this Sunday, I realized whether he goes or not does not matter if my response will not be to take care of it. Once you know this you can't unknow it, I can't just allow him to see me and then not react. If I see it and choose to ignore it then that is like a free pass to crazy land for both of us.
My decision...my church has an event at the same time has his scheduled date. Instead of wallowing in self pity and attempting to close something that I will not close I choose to be somewhere where I can actually make a difference.
Update...He never went on that date and in fact closed the dating account.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Still together
Oh my goodness are you kidding me, I'm still here. I'm still with the man that I know to be a cheater and a liar, why? Because I really love him, I really love him. He is a good man to a degree, what does he do? He pampers me when he is with me, he calls me beautiful, amazing and the best thing in his life. Today he said something that made me think, he said you will always be #1 no one will ever take your place. No one will ever get in the way of you. Here we go, I get it. Since midnight Friday the only time we have been separate is when he went to "see his father" today Sunday from 430 to 730, while it's only 3 hours and he is very close to his dad I know he has used this time to go see a woman. Well he did go to his dad's house today so in that 3 hours if a woman got any of that time it wasn't much. It doesn't make it ok, it just feels so stupid. He is here right now cleaning my car, he put gas in my car, he got my oil changed, he loaned me the money I needed to pay my electric bill. I know he has a date scheduled for the 26th of October and if I can make it with him that long I am going to get dolled up and go to the restaurant and make myself known when it's important to do so.
My feeling is that he will be so offended that I have been following him that he won't even allow any time to be talked about regarding his date. He will probably say..oh this is a friend from work, I'm allowed that aren't I? There are so many things I anticipate, but what I want to tell him is..If you want to date other women then you need to make it ok for me to go on dates with other men. Or the other thing is just to finally say, I am not ok with this and move on. Truthfully I have to tell you that I was married to two horrible physical and mental abusers, they didn't help me they just hurt me. My Bf's pain that he causes is pain that I wouldn't know about it if I could stop being so suspicious. I am not saying I don't want to know what I know, I won't look very often anymore because until I can walk away this stuff is just hard. I know people will say...GET OUT..He's a cheater. I think something just has to change, this stuff has to get so impossible that leaving is the only answer. Everytime I think about letting him go I start screaming in my head NO...NO...NO!!
He is a good man (seems like an oxymoron because he's cheating), I know that because he's a cheater the person he is beyond that seems to not be allowed. I have resigned myself to the impressions people have of me and I am going to be honest and that is that unless you've walked in another person's shoes you have to let it go. Be there, and if I tell you over and over again I'm going to leave, then say..You know what I love you, but you can't keep telling me your problems and then ignore my advice. Take your friendships out of the dating mix. If your friends can be kind to your boyfriend then take him with you if not, keep that part of your life separate until you can figure out how to make it work. I can't tell you what happens next. No one can tell me how this feels, some of my friends that don't have husbands or boyfriends they have family really close. My one friend even has an ex husband to help with the kids situations, maybe they are not great but they are there. I am completely by myself here. I've been by myself for 6 years and honestly I'm exhausted. I had people tell me over and over again that I would be amazed at how many men wanted me. Well in 6 years there wasn't one that wanted me legitimately. I love my friends and family but they are not walking in my shoes, they don't have my experiences.
My daughter has added to my stress, she has given me an ultimatum him or her. Truthfully if she was 12 I would pick her, but she is 17 and she's trying to bully me into doing things her way because she can't stand knowing what he's putting me through. I wish I had just kept a lid on it, I can't undo what I said to her. However her ultimatum will not work on me, the reason...because she will discover no matter where you go or who you are with there are no perfect relationships. I have decided whether my daughter leaves or not we need to get counseling both for my own decision making skills and for her need to control this relationship
My feeling is that he will be so offended that I have been following him that he won't even allow any time to be talked about regarding his date. He will probably say..oh this is a friend from work, I'm allowed that aren't I? There are so many things I anticipate, but what I want to tell him is..If you want to date other women then you need to make it ok for me to go on dates with other men. Or the other thing is just to finally say, I am not ok with this and move on. Truthfully I have to tell you that I was married to two horrible physical and mental abusers, they didn't help me they just hurt me. My Bf's pain that he causes is pain that I wouldn't know about it if I could stop being so suspicious. I am not saying I don't want to know what I know, I won't look very often anymore because until I can walk away this stuff is just hard. I know people will say...GET OUT..He's a cheater. I think something just has to change, this stuff has to get so impossible that leaving is the only answer. Everytime I think about letting him go I start screaming in my head NO...NO...NO!!
He is a good man (seems like an oxymoron because he's cheating), I know that because he's a cheater the person he is beyond that seems to not be allowed. I have resigned myself to the impressions people have of me and I am going to be honest and that is that unless you've walked in another person's shoes you have to let it go. Be there, and if I tell you over and over again I'm going to leave, then say..You know what I love you, but you can't keep telling me your problems and then ignore my advice. Take your friendships out of the dating mix. If your friends can be kind to your boyfriend then take him with you if not, keep that part of your life separate until you can figure out how to make it work. I can't tell you what happens next. No one can tell me how this feels, some of my friends that don't have husbands or boyfriends they have family really close. My one friend even has an ex husband to help with the kids situations, maybe they are not great but they are there. I am completely by myself here. I've been by myself for 6 years and honestly I'm exhausted. I had people tell me over and over again that I would be amazed at how many men wanted me. Well in 6 years there wasn't one that wanted me legitimately. I love my friends and family but they are not walking in my shoes, they don't have my experiences.
My daughter has added to my stress, she has given me an ultimatum him or her. Truthfully if she was 12 I would pick her, but she is 17 and she's trying to bully me into doing things her way because she can't stand knowing what he's putting me through. I wish I had just kept a lid on it, I can't undo what I said to her. However her ultimatum will not work on me, the reason...because she will discover no matter where you go or who you are with there are no perfect relationships. I have decided whether my daughter leaves or not we need to get counseling both for my own decision making skills and for her need to control this relationship
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