Closed Chapter

The  chapter of being with a cheater is closed.  We stayed together from July 2014 until August 2015. I lived with him from October 2014 until August 2015.  I moved out on him one day while he was at work.  I could never get over the thought of him cheating.  Everyday I tried to believe that it wasn't true, that we were going to work out, that I would get my happily ever after with him.  I caught him doing things he shouldn't and yet I continued to stay and try.  However I consistently felt less than, wondering what I had that would keep him satisfied.  I had gained 75 pounds being with him, he had gained weight too. 

Before I even moved in with him I knew I was never going to be enough and yet I kept going back in, I kept trying to please him.  I never trusted him, I  checked his phone, his emails, his car's gps, and a multitude of other things. I followed him around, and in the end I never truly caught him doing anything. From time to time I would catch him having conversations but no real action on his part.

Right before I left him we went to Cuba and I already had it in my head I was going to leave him but I chose to go to Cuba because I had already spent the money and I felt like he deserved one last chance. I was hoping for a romantic time in Cuba but that wasn't what we had.  We were there to take care of his family. I was expected to spend more money than I had on his family, he didn't ask me ahead of time. He didn't tell me what we were doing he just expected me to spend my money.  He knew that when he went there that he had to but what he didn't tell me was that I had to as well.  I was angry, and disheartened while I was there. I felt betrayed and alone in a country not my own.  I got home and within 2 days of returning we left. My daughter and I packed up while he was gone and we never returned.  I have been gone away from him for almost 5 years, and I haven't spoken to him in a couple of those years. The first year and a half we tried to be friends but once I got into a serious relationship I realized that he wasn't really a friend as much as someone who just used me whenever he got lonely.  He thinks about what he can get out of something first.  I don't know if I ever really loved him or if I just was so thrilled that someone liked me, someone that wasn't abusive. He never called me names, never hit me, but he was controlling and selfish. He needed things his way, he used me for my money and most of our relationship was all about him.  I am glad that this chapter is closed but it left some scars and some fears.  I am now married for over a year, and every once in awhile I feel those fears creep up and I have to push them down because I am fully aware of what they will do to me.

IT's time to move on and let this part of my life die.

Moved in together

I need you to know that living with my boyfriend goes against my moral fabric however with that said I did it. I moved my 17 year old daughter and I into my boyfriends 3 bedroom house. I have been struggling for a few months (before he came along) to pay my bills. In the end in order to try and help myself in saving money I moved in with the thoughts that if he doesn't change or if he never seems to want to marry me that I will move out. I will pay my bills, I will get myself organized. Right now I am sitting at Starbucks awaiting my friends arrival with the joy of being out by myself for awhile.  My boyfriend has been working a shift that in the beginning drove me crazy but then it began to make me happy. I didn't have to stress over his time away because I was sleeping, however as a teacher who is off for the next couple of weeks, him being home all day long has brought with it some stresses. I often feel suffocated just because he is quite needy, he loves me being by his side and I have to be very honest, I've been afraid of losing him to the point that I wouldn't go out without him.

In the last couple of days I have discovered that I'm not happy, some of it comes from my moral compass being out of whack, the rest comes from not sure if this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. There are moments I can't imagine ever being without him and then there are moments that I begin to doubt that this is really what I want. Unfortunately making decisions is really hard, I love him, I have brought my daughter here, I have changed so many things in my world and have lost things on top of that to be with him. I can't make a decision on a whim, I have to truly think and pray this through. (should have done both before moving in with him or taking him back).  At this point though I'm here, I have brought my life to a new place.  Here is where I need to take my life back, first things first. I need to trim my weight and my wallet keep my eyes on Christ even when it's hard because I know he's not happy with who I am right now. I need Him to give me the strength to move on to be able to make decisions that are hard, right now though I'm not ready to make decions but I'm at least willing to allow him a chance to love and be with me.