Closed Chapter

The  chapter of being with a cheater is closed.  We stayed together from July 2014 until August 2015. I lived with him from October 2014 until August 2015.  I moved out on him one day while he was at work.  I could never get over the thought of him cheating.  Everyday I tried to believe that it wasn't true, that we were going to work out, that I would get my happily ever after with him.  I caught him doing things he shouldn't and yet I continued to stay and try.  However I consistently felt less than, wondering what I had that would keep him satisfied.  I had gained 75 pounds being with him, he had gained weight too. 

Before I even moved in with him I knew I was never going to be enough and yet I kept going back in, I kept trying to please him.  I never trusted him, I  checked his phone, his emails, his car's gps, and a multitude of other things. I followed him around, and in the end I never truly caught him doing anything. From time to time I would catch him having conversations but no real action on his part.

Right before I left him we went to Cuba and I already had it in my head I was going to leave him but I chose to go to Cuba because I had already spent the money and I felt like he deserved one last chance. I was hoping for a romantic time in Cuba but that wasn't what we had.  We were there to take care of his family. I was expected to spend more money than I had on his family, he didn't ask me ahead of time. He didn't tell me what we were doing he just expected me to spend my money.  He knew that when he went there that he had to but what he didn't tell me was that I had to as well.  I was angry, and disheartened while I was there. I felt betrayed and alone in a country not my own.  I got home and within 2 days of returning we left. My daughter and I packed up while he was gone and we never returned.  I have been gone away from him for almost 5 years, and I haven't spoken to him in a couple of those years. The first year and a half we tried to be friends but once I got into a serious relationship I realized that he wasn't really a friend as much as someone who just used me whenever he got lonely.  He thinks about what he can get out of something first.  I don't know if I ever really loved him or if I just was so thrilled that someone liked me, someone that wasn't abusive. He never called me names, never hit me, but he was controlling and selfish. He needed things his way, he used me for my money and most of our relationship was all about him.  I am glad that this chapter is closed but it left some scars and some fears.  I am now married for over a year, and every once in awhile I feel those fears creep up and I have to push them down because I am fully aware of what they will do to me.

IT's time to move on and let this part of my life die.

Moved in together

I need you to know that living with my boyfriend goes against my moral fabric however with that said I did it. I moved my 17 year old daughter and I into my boyfriends 3 bedroom house. I have been struggling for a few months (before he came along) to pay my bills. In the end in order to try and help myself in saving money I moved in with the thoughts that if he doesn't change or if he never seems to want to marry me that I will move out. I will pay my bills, I will get myself organized. Right now I am sitting at Starbucks awaiting my friends arrival with the joy of being out by myself for awhile.  My boyfriend has been working a shift that in the beginning drove me crazy but then it began to make me happy. I didn't have to stress over his time away because I was sleeping, however as a teacher who is off for the next couple of weeks, him being home all day long has brought with it some stresses. I often feel suffocated just because he is quite needy, he loves me being by his side and I have to be very honest, I've been afraid of losing him to the point that I wouldn't go out without him.

In the last couple of days I have discovered that I'm not happy, some of it comes from my moral compass being out of whack, the rest comes from not sure if this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. There are moments I can't imagine ever being without him and then there are moments that I begin to doubt that this is really what I want. Unfortunately making decisions is really hard, I love him, I have brought my daughter here, I have changed so many things in my world and have lost things on top of that to be with him. I can't make a decision on a whim, I have to truly think and pray this through. (should have done both before moving in with him or taking him back).  At this point though I'm here, I have brought my life to a new place.  Here is where I need to take my life back, first things first. I need to trim my weight and my wallet keep my eyes on Christ even when it's hard because I know he's not happy with who I am right now. I need Him to give me the strength to move on to be able to make decisions that are hard, right now though I'm not ready to make decions but I'm at least willing to allow him a chance to love and be with me.

Why?

So the goal had been to leave by now, the goal had been to shove it all in his face and walk away. Each time I try I think about the next guy, what will his issue be, what strife and struggle will he bring me. I don't trust my boyfriend, I believe everytime he is away from me he is with another woman I don't think that's an accurate picture only because I know my boyfriends OCD side which doesn't allow him to spend that much time just with someone else while not getting important things accomplished.

I was supposed to catch him on a date this Sunday, I realized whether he goes or not does not matter if my response will not be to take care of it. Once you know this you can't unknow it, I can't just allow him to see me and then not react. If I see it and choose to ignore it then that is like a free pass to crazy land for both of us.

My decision...my church has an event at the same time has his scheduled date. Instead of wallowing in self pity and attempting to close something that I will not close I choose to be somewhere where I can actually make a difference.

Update...He never went on that date and in fact closed the dating account.

Still together

Oh my goodness are you kidding me, I'm still here. I'm still with the man that I know to be a cheater and a liar, why? Because I really love him, I really love him. He is a good man to a degree, what does he do? He pampers me when he is with me, he calls me beautiful, amazing and the best thing in his life. Today he said something that made me think, he said you will always be #1 no one will ever take your place. No one will ever get in the way of you. Here we go, I get it. Since midnight Friday the only time we have been separate is when he went to "see his father" today Sunday from 430 to 730, while it's only 3 hours and he is very close to his dad I know he has used this time to go see a woman. Well he did go to his dad's house today so in that 3 hours if a woman got any of that time it wasn't much. It doesn't make it ok, it just feels so stupid. He is here right now cleaning my car, he put gas in my car, he got my oil changed, he loaned me the money I needed to pay my electric bill. I know he has a date scheduled for the 26th of October and if I can make it with him that long I am going to get dolled up and go to the restaurant and make myself known when it's important to do so.

My feeling is that he will be so offended that I have been following him that he won't even allow any time to be talked about regarding his date. He will probably say..oh this is a friend from work, I'm allowed that aren't I? There are so many things I anticipate, but what I want to tell him is..If you want to date other women then you need to make it ok for me to go on dates with other men. Or the other thing is just to finally say, I am not ok with this and move on. Truthfully I have to tell you that I was married to two horrible physical and mental abusers, they didn't help me they just hurt me. My Bf's pain that he causes is pain that I wouldn't know about it if I could stop being so suspicious. I am not saying I don't want to know what I know, I won't look very often anymore because until I can walk away this stuff is just hard.  I know people will say...GET OUT..He's a cheater. I think something just has to change, this stuff has to get so impossible that leaving is the only answer. Everytime I think about letting him go I start screaming in my head NO...NO...NO!!

He is a good man (seems like an oxymoron because he's cheating), I know that because he's a cheater the person he is beyond that seems to not be allowed. I have resigned myself to the impressions people have of me and I am going to be honest and that is that unless you've walked in another person's shoes you have to let it go. Be there, and if I tell you over and over again I'm going to leave, then say..You know what I love you, but you can't keep telling me your problems and then ignore my advice. Take your friendships out of the dating mix. If your friends can be kind to your boyfriend then take him with you if not, keep that part of your life separate until you can figure out how to make it work. I can't tell you what happens next. No one can tell me how this feels, some of my friends that don't have husbands or boyfriends they have family really close. My one friend even has an ex husband to help with the kids situations, maybe they are not great but they are there. I am completely by myself here. I've been by myself for 6 years and honestly I'm exhausted. I had people tell me over and over again that I would be amazed at how many men wanted me. Well in 6 years there wasn't one that wanted me legitimately. I love my friends and family but they are not walking in my shoes, they don't have my experiences.

My daughter has added to my stress, she has given me an ultimatum him or her. Truthfully if she was 12 I would pick her, but she is 17 and she's trying to bully me into doing things her way because she can't stand knowing what he's putting me through.  I wish I had just kept a lid on it, I can't undo what I said to her. However her ultimatum will not work on me, the reason...because she will discover no matter where you go or who you are with there are no perfect relationships. I have decided whether my daughter leaves or not we need to get counseling both for my own decision making skills and for her need to control this relationship

when is enough enough

Last night he was over and we did our normal ritual of having an end of day conversation. He tells me he loves me and can't imagine his life without me. He tells me I'm amazing, wonderful and that he needs me. He says all the things I long to hear but in my heart I feel like saying, I know you say these things but if you truly meant them then you wouldn't need to find love elsewhere. I'm not sure what he's finding elsewhere I just know that he is continuing his search while trying to convince me I'm the only one.

The thing that disturbs me is that we aren't married, there is nothing holding him to staying in our relationship. He can get up and leave anytime he wants. If he is interested in pursuing other interests why not just go. Why not free himself up so that he can fully invest in this other person. Since we met he has always spent the majority of his free time with me. The only time that he is truly able to date is a couple of hours on Sunday when he lies and tells me he is going to see his dad and during the week between school and work. Honestly he has less free time than I do and yet he has somehow managed to figure out how to date me and try to spend time with other women.

I keep asking myself as he is talking why I don't just say, it's enough just go. What your looking for I cannot provide, I'm not interested in being second or even first but with a second or even third in the running. I can't completely let go because there is all this fear. I am afraid of going back to my lonely nights and to having no one call me. But then I think really what does it matter because everything he says and does appears to be a lie. I can't trust what he says or does. I can't be sure that when he talks to me that he doesn't say the same thing to her.

So the question remains when is enough enough? When do I get to a point of saying..I really can't stand this and all of your lies so I choose to walk away.

liar liar pants on fire

How do you cope when your heart is crushed. I want to punch my boyfriend in the face and at the same time kiss him. I want to squeeze him and hold him. I am so confused by all my feelings. I read the cheaters paradox and the truth is no matter what I tell him I've seen, read or observed he will come back with a reason why it is not what I think it is.

So here's the back story, my boyfriend and I met through a dating website, we seemed to connect on our first date. We just connected in every emotional way, however we moved WAY WAY WAY too fast. By the end of two weeks we were already talking about moving in together. I am a believer and I negotiated my beliefs with I really love him and we are going to get married so why not live with him first. Well I have HUGE trust issues and I started not trusting him and I began looking through his phone. BIG, BIG mistake...It just wasn't fair nor was it a good thing for me. I read things I didn't understand and because I wasn't supposed to be in his phone I couldn't really just say "hey what's this in your phone"? So I just kept reading, and kept allowing it to fester in my stomach. Eventually when it was time for me to tell my landlord that I was moving, he changed the story and I wasn't moving in with him. Well I was so angry and I was so sure it was because he was cheating on me that I ended up breaking up with him the very next day. Well long story short we went without communication for 2 and a half months, (almost the length of our dating days), I saw his car one day and chose to go by and just say hi.  Well lo and behold we ended up back together.

We have now been back together 2.5 months, I have made a promise to him to stay out of his phone, and I kept that commitment up til about a week ago, when something wasn't feeling right. I checked to find out if he was dating again. I located some information that confirmed my suspicion, well this time I didn't act so quickly I waited, but I kept checking his phone. What an idiot I was, I should have just left him and said this is our second chance and if you screwed it up again then you truly aren't interested in being with me. However what did happen was I confronted him when I read something that confirmed a lie he told me, I told him to get his things and go. Well he pulled the ultimate cheaters paradox..
Can't you see I never text her she just texts me, she likes me and I don't want anything to do with her. I knew I caught him in lies but realized that I had shown all my cards and now it was a matter of put up or shut up, well I just shut up. He wasn't going to acknowledge his deceit and I wasn't truly ready to let him go. So dummy me chose to stay well here I am 3 days later and honestly am recognizing that I don't need to snoop anymore. I need to just decide what I want. Do I want to continue to wonder if every time he's not with me he's with her. Do I want to spend all my energy thinking of whatever could possibly be happening or do I just take the pain from the break up and move on. Well honestly that is what this blog is for. Hopefully, I can find some peace in this and get through it without losing myself.

Cheating

We teach our children not to cheat on tests, in games or at life and yet as a woman I am forlorn in saying that I have more than once allowed myself to stay in a relationship with a cheater. They never confess to the cheating I just know what they are doing and even with evidence they deny it to my face. This time I am only in the relationship (by the way a second go round same man) for 2.5 months and I discovered not only is he dating through a website he actually has started talking to a girl at his work. When confronted by evidence of his cheating he points that she only talks he never does. I have proof that he has called her but the calls never last very long. She honestly only gets about 1 to 2 hours of his time at most a couple times a week. And for the most part it's never during the times I should be with him. I debated over and over again to just stick it out and to make the most of what I have. In order to do that though I have to look honestly at what I have with him and who I am with him. So this blog is set up for those discoveries with an update on whether I stay or if I go.

Thanks for Reading
SS cheated on