liar liar pants on fire

How do you cope when your heart is crushed. I want to punch my boyfriend in the face and at the same time kiss him. I want to squeeze him and hold him. I am so confused by all my feelings. I read the cheaters paradox and the truth is no matter what I tell him I've seen, read or observed he will come back with a reason why it is not what I think it is.

So here's the back story, my boyfriend and I met through a dating website, we seemed to connect on our first date. We just connected in every emotional way, however we moved WAY WAY WAY too fast. By the end of two weeks we were already talking about moving in together. I am a believer and I negotiated my beliefs with I really love him and we are going to get married so why not live with him first. Well I have HUGE trust issues and I started not trusting him and I began looking through his phone. BIG, BIG mistake...It just wasn't fair nor was it a good thing for me. I read things I didn't understand and because I wasn't supposed to be in his phone I couldn't really just say "hey what's this in your phone"? So I just kept reading, and kept allowing it to fester in my stomach. Eventually when it was time for me to tell my landlord that I was moving, he changed the story and I wasn't moving in with him. Well I was so angry and I was so sure it was because he was cheating on me that I ended up breaking up with him the very next day. Well long story short we went without communication for 2 and a half months, (almost the length of our dating days), I saw his car one day and chose to go by and just say hi.  Well lo and behold we ended up back together.

We have now been back together 2.5 months, I have made a promise to him to stay out of his phone, and I kept that commitment up til about a week ago, when something wasn't feeling right. I checked to find out if he was dating again. I located some information that confirmed my suspicion, well this time I didn't act so quickly I waited, but I kept checking his phone. What an idiot I was, I should have just left him and said this is our second chance and if you screwed it up again then you truly aren't interested in being with me. However what did happen was I confronted him when I read something that confirmed a lie he told me, I told him to get his things and go. Well he pulled the ultimate cheaters paradox..
Can't you see I never text her she just texts me, she likes me and I don't want anything to do with her. I knew I caught him in lies but realized that I had shown all my cards and now it was a matter of put up or shut up, well I just shut up. He wasn't going to acknowledge his deceit and I wasn't truly ready to let him go. So dummy me chose to stay well here I am 3 days later and honestly am recognizing that I don't need to snoop anymore. I need to just decide what I want. Do I want to continue to wonder if every time he's not with me he's with her. Do I want to spend all my energy thinking of whatever could possibly be happening or do I just take the pain from the break up and move on. Well honestly that is what this blog is for. Hopefully, I can find some peace in this and get through it without losing myself.